The 2016 holidays are over, but I'm always hunting for a good bargain. If you have lazy relatives, you probably have a few extra virtual dollars sitting on an impersonal bank Gift Card.
So if you don't want to be one of those people who let billions of gift card dollars go unused, the savvy marketers at the NHL are here to help. As of today, there are approximately 3600 NHL-developed-and-endorsed products "on sale" at NHL.com. I've painstakingly gone through all of them to find you the Best Deals (all prices USD, since that's all the NHL cares about).
$40.00 for something "About as fast" as a microwave shows me the NHL spent "about 40 seconds" on the description for this item. Last purchased 2 hours ago, likely by someone getting ready for the next Twitter debate between the Corsirati and Griticists.
RANGERS JUNK IS BETTER THAN OTHER JUNK
This comes with an actual piece of a game puck used in a NY Rangers game. It's not from any "specific season, event, or game", but for $71.99, it is probably safe to assume it's from a game where Hank bailed out so many defensive breakdowns, he shattered the puck swinging his stick in disgust.
This looks more like Erik Karlsson than Hank. Maybe it is Future Hank, when his legs have fallen off below the knees from carrying the weight of the Rangers' defensemen anchors during in his mid-30s. (thanks to Jen Connic for finding this one)
ZOMBIE JUNK
Gotta give it to the NHL - they really captured the NYR beat writers here.
This is also sold separately as "Detroit Red Wings 2016/17 Playoff Chances"
CHEESEBURGER JUNK
"Melted game-used ice"? To be fair to the NHL, they tried to keep the ice frozen, but they couldn't overcome all the hot air being expelled that night overselling Brodeur's talent.
At checkout, when the NHL asks you to confirm that you are not @mean_63, make sure to click "no", otherwise your purchase is rejected for "unnatural obsession."
"The vibrant graphics...are sure to give you a spirit ready to stand up to any competition, including, for example, oh say, just spit-ballin' here, some Russian thugs looking to collect on your debt..."
This item is part of the NHL's sustainability program "NHLGreen". The lights work on the first 3 days of the week, but shut down the last 4.
Pretty sure we didn't need to see some dude's armpit to know he was a Flyers' fan.
KINGS = TRASH
This is all Dustin Brown pictures. For example, in January he's the Kings' captain. In July, Brown is shown having the C ripped off. The December picture is Brown shown in a mock-up Las Vegas jersey.
Perfect timing by the photographer here. He really captures the confusion on Toffoli's face as to why Lucic just threatened to "[EXPLETIVE] kill him."
#MYWIFE
$51.99 to be touched by Alyssa Milano is a solid investment for someone married a long time.
BLACKHAWKS = TRASH
The price reduction is due to an error: this is actually a picture of Keith swinging his stick at some guy's neck and pretending it was an accident.
"Not intended for crib use" should probably be emphasized more here...as the only people who would pay for this fugly doll are man-baby Kane rapologists.
"Rapist on the Shelf" is the hot new holiday tradition sweeping the men's rights movement.
If you pay any extra $10 (plus court costs), you can get the Patrick Kane Model of this backpack: All the lights are green.
THIS JUNK IS ELITE
"Few left" doesn't surprise me. This has been such a big seller, they are planning a second model: when done, your toast pops up with an extreme close-up image of Steve Glynn's "mock surprise" face burnt into your bread.
A limited set of 13...numbers 2-12 are left...the price has dropped ~80%. I guess there are not a lot of Nick Spaling "Fanatics."
Not sure how this got approved, as it's well known that Bruins fans cannot afford houses with lawns.
Look these are ridiculous, and I don't buy that the NHL sold a single one of these, but the women are cute, and the Sabres guy looks like Michael Caine's character in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had a baby with Spaulding Smails. GOOD PRODUCT. WOULD PURCHASE.
Why are the tattoos "mustache" and these dog dolls "moustache"? Is there a Canadian spelling of mustache of which I'm not aware? Whatever, just go look at these images for "moustache dog" instead of buying this random junk.
This Blue Jackets branded product is perfect for fans of a team whose coach is probably unwilling to use one of those new-fangled-modern-xray-cancer phones with the touchscreen and the "bluetooths"
Those Computer Boys in Florida need a lot of hand lotion. Trust me, I understand.
THE NHL GETS ITS FEMALE FANS
"Plus Sizes Pumped Up"!
THE BRANDON PIRRI JUNK
This in-action shot really captures the essence of Brandon Pirri. I know the first time I saw him play, I came away thinking: WHOOOAA THAT DUDE CAN STOP!
$14.99 for a picture of Brandon Pirri skating with the puck is a great deal, when you realize it's the NHL's new magical invisible puck.
THE ARE WE REALLY GETTING CHARGED FOR THIS JUNK?
CLIFF KROLL? THEY GOT CLIFF KROLL'S AUTOGRAPH? NOT LIKE *THE* CLIFF KROLL? If you don't know who Cliff Kroll is...first...SHAME ON YOU...second, here's his HockeyDB page. Seems like a nice productive mid-line winger who probably has brain damage and could use the $0.40 of royalties he gets from the sale of these, so I bought two.
JORDAN HENDRY? THEY GOT JORDAN HENDRY'S AUTOGRAPH? NOT LIKE *THE* JORDAN HENDRY? I admit I am a bad fan, and had no idea who this guy was, so let's check his Wikipedia page.
This must be an error. Shane Doan would never injure someone.
FINALLY, I TAKE A BUNCH OF LICKS AT JAMIE BENN
I think the NHL is really selling this product short...it's perfect for people who don't have infants too. Think of the value this could have to your friend "Jason", for example.
"Puck not included." So this is just an empty box, without any part of Jamie Benn touching it?
...Again I'm right in my anaysis.